[Paddy stared at her for a minute, thinking about this, and what Uhura had done to him, and how that he resented her still for it. Even though he could talk to her and look out for her, he still resented her for it.]
I'd have fucking killed Uhura once. If she didn't have that stun gun, I'd have beaten her to fucking death and she knew it. She was still there when I came around. They don't ever fucking stop.
Not that it makes it okay. It's fucking awful. But you can't make 'em quit, even with violence.
[He took a heavy breath inwards, not really having meant to go into that.]
I was fucking this close to doing it, Paddy. This fucking close. I wanted her to fucking stop. I told her to fucking stop. I practically god damn begged her to stop. And she wouldn't. She just kept going and going.
[Parker practically walked into the wall, and she leaned against where the window frame would be, holding onto the cigarette. She squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she possibly could, and she sunk down into a crouch with her hand folded over her eyes, feeling the ring that she wore on her index finger pressing against her brow like a weight. The ring had been her mothers, and Parker had worn it ever since her father had given it to her when she turned sixteen. It felt uncomfortable now, like words that Denise had said had somehow worked into it.]
[At that, he walked over to her, gritting his teeth and trying not to bring up what Uhura had done to him, because he was fairly sure that was worse, but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. Or, probably, needed to hear. He crouched down next to her, leaning back against the wall,]
What about, though? I mean, Jarod, obviously, but what... what the fuck was that fucking bad, Parker?
[He paused,] Not that you have to fucking tell me, but... love, I just want to figure it out, help ya.
[She didn't look at him when she felt him crouching next to her, leaning against the wall. He didn't know it, but it spoke about how much she trust him that in that minute she didn't reach over and smack him, or even open her eyes. If it had been someone else she would have braced for some sort of attack, especially right now. Her voice was little sounding, and sad.]
It was about my father. She told me that he didn't love me.
[Paddy swore under his breath when she said that,] For fuck's sake. [His first reaction, to be honest, was anger. He didn't think much about the reasons, or why she might have said that, just that it... he knew how much thinking that hurt, let alone being told it by someone else.] I'm gonna fucking punch her fucking face in. I don't give a shit if it's true or not, I fucking am.
[He took a deep breath and tried to think for a second,] Why the fuck did she say that?
If I don't get to fucking punch her in the face, you don't either. [Parker spoke quickly, her hands leaving her face now. She would have dearly loved to have punched Denise, and it had taken everything inside her not to keep punching her until he warden's face was a mass of blood and bone beneath Parker's bruised fists.]
Because she thinks that if my father loved me, he wouldn't have fucking gotten be involved in the Centre shit, even though they would have fucking killed me otherwise.
[He knew that he had far more of a duty than she did to keep his temper in check, but he was pretty angry. Paddy clenched his fist and let it go again, because he figured even if that was true, it was something you had to figure out for yourself.] I wasn't gonna go punch her, don't worry. I fucking want to.
[He flumped down onto the floor, because his back couldn't take all this squatting down, then looked up at her.] Parker, I'm gonna say the same thing I told Commodus and, fuck, I told myself. They always fucking think they love you, and fuck, even in twisted, fucked up ways, they do. My dad fucking disappeared to go blow some shit up, but he fucking did love me. You're always their fucking kids.
I wanted to kill her. [There was venom and violence in her tone, and her posture was all sharpness and angles. She didn't want to think about this anymore. She didn't want to have Denise's words running her head like one of Jarod's games. Even Jarod hadn't gone that far, and he had been determined to ruin everything in her life forever.
She looked to him when he ended up on the floor next to her, her eyes rimmed with red and shock. She nodded to Paddy quickly.] I tried teling her that he loved me in his way, but she wouldn't hear it. And then she brought up my mother and how I was dishonoring her memory and... this fucking game, all the shit that has been played here, I just can't do it anymore, Paddy. I can't play a game when the fucking rules keep changing. I want to go home.
[He figured she was never going to believe it whilst someone was telling her that. You... yeah, you had to work things out for yourself sometimes.] Thing... fuck, Parker, thing is, it ain't a fucking game.
[Paddy bit his lip in thought for a minute,] It's not fucking fair to force that shit on you, no matter whatever the point... pushing a dead fucking horse just fucking hurts. I know.
Sometimes there's a fucking point. But othertimes it just fucking hurts. Did I ever fucking tell you what Uhura did to me?
Everything is a fucking game. You just know the rules or you don't. [This place had rules, and now they were completely broken now that Denise had gone and done what she had. When he said that it hurt, Parker looked at him again. She looked like she felt, lost, sad and a bit defeated by all of this. The fact that her Father loved her was one of the things that had always gotten Parker through the night. Everything that he had done had been to make her stronger; to make her the sort of person who wouldn't put a bullet in her head or ask so many questions Raines had to do it for her.
When he said that sometimes there was a point to it, Parker snorted quickly.]
Now that sounds like fucking Jarod. What did she fucking do?
[He winced and looked down at his hands, resting his elbows on his knees for a second or two,] She fucking...
Once... [He changed his mind and started on a different tack,] Remember when I demanded to smoke with you on the deck? [He paused, and then answered his own point.] She told me she'd give me fucking smack if I injected her with the same shit. It's... fuck, it's like emotional blackmail. It fucking killed me, and I punched her and would have fucking killed her for those drugs if she hadn't fucking stunned me.
[Long, long stare at the floor for a second there] I learnt a fucking lot that day.
[Parker pulled her knees up and watched him carefully for a moment as he fumbled for words and then stopped. She was watching him carefully, and a small part of her was ready to run from this conversation if she needed too. She grabbed a cigarette and lit it, ignoring the pang she felt when the smoke hit her lungs. There was a nod when he asked if she remembered; of course she did.
Parker's eyes went wide when he mentioned what happened between himself and Uhura. There was a little movement of her hand against his arm, a subtle little touch that Parker didn't use very often. She was trying to let him know that she understood, that... well, it didn't matter. The touch was still there as Parker puffed on the smoke like her life depended on it.]
The only thing I learned from this shit is that Denise needs not to be my warden anymore.
[He glanced at her hand on his arm and he took a deep inhale of her second hand smoke. Hell, he didn't care, he needed it.] Thing is, they don't fuck off because she's pissed you off.
She pulled some fucking shit right there, but she'll fucking be there whether you want her to be or not.
Just don't take it out on her. Come and bitch the shit out to me or go kick some ass that doesn't mind it, but you take it out on her and you're screwed.
[Parker offered him one of the cigarettes, and she took a deep breath quickly, feeling it mix with the smoke in her lungs. She narrowed her eyes a bit at him, because god damn it.] You're supposed to be on my fucking side, Paddy.
[Quickly Parker rose to her feet and she started pacing back and forth, her steps are sharp and forced and she lit a second cigarette off her first one, before she dropped the spent butt into a glass of water.]
If I let this go, she's going to think she can keep doing it.
[Paddy paused and took the cigarette, lighting it, despite everything. One wouldn't do any harm. It wasn't like the other drugs. This was just a casual thing, both ways.]
Then let me fucking give her a piece of my mind. Don't go taking it out on her for yourself. It'll just make it worse.
Yeah, and what fucking happens if she decides that I can't fucking see you anymore because she's a fucking bitch about it? Remember the whole thing with fucking having Uhura letting me into the god damn pub? She fucking lost it because she thought she was fucking interfering.
[Parker kept pacing, visibly upset at the idea. She was smoking too fast and she knew it, but she didn't care.]
I want a new fucking warden, Paddy. That's all I fucking want. If she does something like this again. [Parker paused and took a deep breath, looking a bit forlornly at him.]
Fuck this up how, Paddy? What the fuck have I got going here? This crazy bitch who tries to disturb the one thing I've always known? [Damn it, she was getting choked up. She didn't want to get fucking choked up.]
My father is a bastard, Paddy, I fucking know that. But everything he did. [There was a little whimpering tone in her voice.] Was so that I didn't end up dead like my mother.
[He... didn't quite know what to do for a minute, but in the wned, he just reached over and gave her another hug,] I fucking... they've got some fucked up reasons, but I fucking know that.
[This time, she did let him hug her, but only because it was Paddy, and she even leaned into it. She was shivering, and she was remembering things she didn't want to. She remembered being in her father's office when he told her that her mother had killed herself, she remembered Brigitte and the times that she had attempted to murder her father, and she remembered... She didn't want to remember that.]
[Paddy didn't let go of her, because he really thought she needed it right now.] It's not a problem, really. I... [He gave her a slight smile and held her just a bit tighter when she shivered,] I'm just fucking sorry.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Spam.
I'd have fucking killed Uhura once. If she didn't have that stun gun, I'd have beaten her to fucking death and she knew it. She was still there when I came around. They don't ever fucking stop.
Not that it makes it okay. It's fucking awful. But you can't make 'em quit, even with violence.
[He took a heavy breath inwards, not really having meant to go into that.]
Spam.
[Parker practically walked into the wall, and she leaned against where the window frame would be, holding onto the cigarette. She squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she possibly could, and she sunk down into a crouch with her hand folded over her eyes, feeling the ring that she wore on her index finger pressing against her brow like a weight. The ring had been her mothers, and Parker had worn it ever since her father had given it to her when she turned sixteen. It felt uncomfortable now, like words that Denise had said had somehow worked into it.]
Re: Spam.
What about, though? I mean, Jarod, obviously, but what... what the fuck was that fucking bad, Parker?
[He paused,] Not that you have to fucking tell me, but... love, I just want to figure it out, help ya.
Spam.
It was about my father. She told me that he didn't love me.
Re: Spam.
[He took a deep breath and tried to think for a second,] Why the fuck did she say that?
Spam.
Because she thinks that if my father loved me, he wouldn't have fucking gotten be involved in the Centre shit, even though they would have fucking killed me otherwise.
Re: Spam.
[He flumped down onto the floor, because his back couldn't take all this squatting down, then looked up at her.] Parker, I'm gonna say the same thing I told Commodus and, fuck, I told myself. They always fucking think they love you, and fuck, even in twisted, fucked up ways, they do. My dad fucking disappeared to go blow some shit up, but he fucking did love me. You're always their fucking kids.
Spam.
She looked to him when he ended up on the floor next to her, her eyes rimmed with red and shock. She nodded to Paddy quickly.] I tried teling her that he loved me in his way, but she wouldn't hear it. And then she brought up my mother and how I was dishonoring her memory and... this fucking game, all the shit that has been played here, I just can't do it anymore, Paddy. I can't play a game when the fucking rules keep changing. I want to go home.
Re: Spam.
[Paddy bit his lip in thought for a minute,] It's not fucking fair to force that shit on you, no matter whatever the point... pushing a dead fucking horse just fucking hurts. I know.
Sometimes there's a fucking point. But othertimes it just fucking hurts. Did I ever fucking tell you what Uhura did to me?
Spam.
When he said that sometimes there was a point to it, Parker snorted quickly.]
Now that sounds like fucking Jarod. What did she fucking do?
Re: Spam.
Once... [He changed his mind and started on a different tack,] Remember when I demanded to smoke with you on the deck? [He paused, and then answered his own point.] She told me she'd give me fucking smack if I injected her with the same shit. It's... fuck, it's like emotional blackmail. It fucking killed me, and I punched her and would have fucking killed her for those drugs if she hadn't fucking stunned me.
[Long, long stare at the floor for a second there] I learnt a fucking lot that day.
Re: Spam.
Parker's eyes went wide when he mentioned what happened between himself and Uhura. There was a little movement of her hand against his arm, a subtle little touch that Parker didn't use very often. She was trying to let him know that she understood, that... well, it didn't matter. The touch was still there as Parker puffed on the smoke like her life depended on it.]
The only thing I learned from this shit is that Denise needs not to be my warden anymore.
Re: Spam.
She pulled some fucking shit right there, but she'll fucking be there whether you want her to be or not.
Just don't take it out on her. Come and bitch the shit out to me or go kick some ass that doesn't mind it, but you take it out on her and you're screwed.
Spam.
[Quickly Parker rose to her feet and she started pacing back and forth, her steps are sharp and forced and she lit a second cigarette off her first one, before she dropped the spent butt into a glass of water.]
If I let this go, she's going to think she can keep doing it.
Re: Spam.
Then let me fucking give her a piece of my mind. Don't go taking it out on her for yourself. It'll just make it worse.
Spam.
[Parker kept pacing, visibly upset at the idea. She was smoking too fast and she knew it, but she didn't care.]
Re: Spam.
If you fucking take it out on her, then you'll get in zero, then you get fuck all, Parker.
Spam.
I don't think I can do this.
Re: Spam.
Look, I'll fucking give her a piece of my mind. Just don't fuck this up for yourself.
Spam.
My father is a bastard, Paddy, I fucking know that. But everything he did. [There was a little whimpering tone in her voice.] Was so that I didn't end up dead like my mother.
Re: Spam.
I'm fucking sorry some people don't get it.
Spam.
Thank you. Paddy...
Re: Spam.
Spam.
Re: Spam.
Spam.
Re: Spam.